In August 2015, curdling WWE star Hulk Hogan volunteered to join the ticket of Donald Trump, who held double-digit leads in most major polls. Trump accepted the offer immediately, shocking delegates at the Republican National Convention last July by wrestling Hogan onstage.
One year ago today, Trump and Hogan swept to a landslide victory, handily defeating a Clinton campaign that refused to acknowledge Trump as a serious competitor until it was too late, and putting Hulk Hogan a heartbeat from the Presidency.
Wars rage with Iran, Mexico and Mars, at which Trump fired seven unanswered missiles on the Fourth of July. They are scheduled for impact, NASA says, at the end of December, a delay that Trump does not really understand. He fired an eighth missile last week, but he has not told anyone yet.
Hulk Hogan, who denied reports of outgoing Vice President Joe Biden removing all H keys from Naval Observatory keyboards, has taken over former First Lady Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move! campaign, appearing on several occasions bench pressing aides and publicly supporting legislation to ban yoga nationwide.
America’s men, those who did not emigrate or secede with Califoregon or the Tri-State Union, have grown redder and blonder. Peroxide sales have tripled. The White House vegetable garden has been eaten by squirrels.
Senior White House officials have suggested in several off-the-record sessions that tensions have grown between the President and the Vice President.
Trump, who serves as his own press secretary and has installed three new escalators in the White House, has denied these allegations.
“Hulk and I are the best of friends,” Trump said in a May 2017 interview, dangling pink feet from the side of the Jacuzzi he placed on the South Lawn. “There is no daylight between us.”
At press time, a man with an electric yellow mustache and bandanna was seen fumbling with drone controls in Lafayette Square.